Abigail

From the directors of Ready Or Not (which I loved) and Scream VI (which I watched) comes Abigail, a film about a tiny vampire and the fools who abduct her that proves a gorgeously appointed spooky house and blood on tulle will only get you so far. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett swap sadistic humans for the supernatural and attempt a fast-talking, mystery-tinged horror comedy that draws from a variety of other, stronger films. Depending on your tolerance for mimicry, your results with Abigail may vary.

A reimagining of the 1936 Universal Classic Monsters film Dracula's Daughter, Abigail tells the tale of a group of seemingly unconnected criminals who kidnap the daughter of a very wealthy man in the hopes of a $50 million trade. Each has a special skill (Angus Cloud’s is terrible elocution) and a reason for opting into this risky gig. But when they find themselves barricaded inside a curiously antique mansion and people’s heads start falling off, big regret starts to settle in.  

As it turns out, Abigail is the daughter of Kristof Lazar (whose casting I’ll leave as an underwhelming cameo), a powerful underworld crime boss who makes those who wrong him disappear in horrifying fashion. While the name means nothing to you and me, the gang is slightly shooketh. They begin to debate how to get out of this one unscathed, with the best option - quietly leaving Abigail in her room and anonymously calling the authorities from outside the house - abandoned due to financial greed. Oh, and an ironclad security system that has sneakily formed around the exterior of the house. Good luck everyone! The game starts in three, two, one…

“Where should I put this?” - Quebecois delivery man ‘Peter’ (Kevin Durand)

The thing about a film like Abigail is there are so many others that do what it’s trying to, but better. If you want a narratively interesting, surprisingly affecting supernatural home invasion featuring a ballerina vampire, there’s Livid. Don’t care about the house but find yourself fascinated by child vampirism? There’s Let The Right One In. Want a slick, interesting whodunit with smart dialogue and a wicked handling of tone? Rewatch Knives Out. More gore? You’re Next. Want to read instead? Abigail even has the audacity to reference Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. Hell, even M3GAN does a better job of exploring its young villainess in a way that feels original. That Abigail is lesser than its inspirations isn’t wholly insulting. That it doesn’t know how to handle the few strengths it does have is.

Abigail’s ensemble cast is assigned random names in a lazy riff on Reservoir Dogs and includes Dan Stevens as the dubious ‘Frank’, Melissa Barrera as bad mum with something to prove ‘Joey’, Kevin Durand as muscular Quebecois (?) ‘Peter’, William Catlett as one of the only interesting characters ‘Rickles’, Kathryn Newton as rich dumb dumb ‘Sammy’ and Angus Cloud as insufferable comedic relief ‘Dean’, who the movie at least has the decency to retire early. Am I forgetting anyone? Oh, of course! The eponymous Abigail, as played by Alisha Weir (Matilda: The Musical, Wicked Little Letters). The reason for the slight has nothing to do with Weir – it’s that the film forgets its own name and chooses to spend more of its time with its ragtag team of human characters. Unfortunately, its human characters are hard to grieve as their numbers start to dwindle.

‘Frank’ by Dan Stevens. Glasses by Jeffrey Dahmer.

Part of what elevated Ready Or Not was Samara Weaving in a role that fit her like a glove – a likeable survivor you could really care about. Abigail has no such lead nor supports. Melissa Barrera is perfectly fine but her character has no endearing quirks, no blood curdling scream and no personality outside of being a recovering junkie and the inevitable final girl. Dan Stevens isn’t given much to work with either, other than a Queens accent and an uncharacteristic last minute change of heart. The best characters are sidelined, prematurely dispensed with or given minimal screen time, presumably to save money. The others are given silly lines and references to Twilight and True Blood that are now so out of date it should be a crime to bring them up. It’s frustrating because, despite the cringey writing, Abigail does show little sparks of beauty.

As someone who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching Country House Rescue and whose favourite part of Resident Evil: Village was getting to explore the Dimitrescu castle, the Abigail’s set design did put me in firmly in my happy place. Give me cascading, carved staircases, walls of bookcases and a black and white stoned floor and I’ll just about last the runtime of any film. The attention to detail extends to the icky lower parts of the house, like the dank kitchen and the overgrown greenhouse, as well as a basement pool filled with something it shouldn’t be. I also very much appreciated the blood cannons carried over from Ready Or Not’s explosive end. But the thing I liked most - and unfortunately, the thing that is given the least attention - is Abigail’s ability to control her victims’ minds through a Tchaikosvky turntable trigger.

When you remove your DivaCup.

Somewhere in the last third of the film is a scene where Alisha Weir really gets to flex her inner weird little freak. Dancing with a headless corpse in full ballet garb stained by blood, her beloved pink gramophone becomes a character of its own. During this scene, Abigail manages to bite one of her house guests. We later learn that ‘Swan Lake’ can engage anyone she’s bitten to do her bidding, mimicking her moves like the dance spell in Guadagnino’s Suspiria and turning them into vessels for this little ancient girl’s dark bidding. It’s an interesting addition spoiled by the fact that the film only allows enough time for her to use it once.

It is after this point that Abigail lost the remainder of my patience. All the good humans are gone, the script goes rogue and the film ends in with an entirely unsatisfying and unimpactful resolution, appropriately summed up by the final words, “what the fuck?” I couldn’t have put it better myself. Abigail accurately portrays how existence must feel to a vampire: fun for a time but after a while, it’s all a bit tedious.

Verdict

☆☆½

Abigail is in cinemas now. But so are a lot of films, so shop around.