Cocaine Bear

I am a person who gets heart palpitations from a second cup of coffee so naturally, I have never tried cocaine. With the little bear knowledge I have entirely attributed to Dwight Schrute, I am also a novice when it comes to the behaviour and apparent addictive personalities of God’s cuddliest biped. As such, I went into the new comedy creature-feature from Elizabeth Banks (a phrase I never thought I’d say) with exactly zero expectations and came out the other end with about as much insight into either subject, but with my funny bone tickled and bloodlust appropriately quenched. Cocaine Bear does what it says on the packet and suggests a directorial path correction for a woman whose origins are in cult comedy - a reminder established by the film’s familiar opening track.

In 1985, a very careless Matthew Rhys dumps a metric fucktonne of cocaine out of his plane before bonking his head on the dismount and falling contentedly to his death. Both land in the sprawling woods of northern Georgia and while law enforcement find the body of the former narcotics officer, the product is picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable - a 500-pound black bear. We meet the beast through a Scandi couple (some woman and Tormund Giantsbane himself) and immediately discover that this bear is, to quote Kristofer Hivju, “demented”. Horror cold open done and dusted, we cut to several other characters and subplots, all of which will converge as they come face to face with Teddy Montana (sorry).

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a bear on cocaine? We may never know.

Based on a true story that featured in The New York Times in 1985 (below a much larger piece on a legal battle between the owner of a particularly Christmassy house and his buzzkill neighbours), Banks’ film takes extreme creative licence and runs with it. Produced by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (of Lego, Jump Street and Spider-Verse fame), this project was always going to be a highly entertaining comedy stuffed with nostalgia and homage. What Cocaine Bear also manages to pull off (quite impressively) are impactful kills and a sense of threat that surpasses what was implied by the trailer. Shot in Ireland (though you wouldn’t know it), the film makes great use of its pristine surroundings and limited locations, making the expanse of nature feel suffocatingly small as the bear closes in.

The ensemble comprises Keri Russell and The Florida Project’s Brooklynn Prince as mother and daughter separated by a lie about school attendance and the fact that phones don’t exist yet. Christian Convery steals the show as school friend Henry, who gets all the best lines (of dialogue - relax), and Character Actress Margo Martindale lights up the screen as a horny park ranger doused in uncharacteristically European perfume. Jesse Tyler Ferguson blends Joe Exotic and Corky St. Clair as a short-lived but iconic adult boy scout, unaware of the romantic overtures of Martindale’s character as his heart only has space for animals. O’Shea Jackson Jr. and Alden Ehrenreich play low-level drug dealers intent on retrieving the lost stash to appease an aged Ray Liotta, seen here in his last role before quietly disappearing into the witness protection program for good. 

With committed performances from the cast and a shared dedication to the Wet Hot American Summer-style comedy the film is drawing from, Cocaine Bear pretty much answers the brief perfectly. Its use of overtly popular 80s songs never feels gimmicky, instead complementing its on-the-nose quality, and there’s a definite sense of fondness that Banks has for the era over someone just trying to cash in on the nostalgia factor. The bear itself is convincing as a tangible character, with Wētā FX responsible for its creation and the careful balance of terror and amusement. In reality, the bear suffered a huge (and presumably quite confusing) overdose and this film oddly gives its namesake a more fitting arc. Like all good monsters, the bear has inexplicable speed and nimbleness for such an immense thing; of course here, these traits are not so inexplicable, rather they are a clever riff on horror tropes and the hyperbolic effects of the substance. I found myself grinning whenever it entered the proximity of non-central characters, and even if its eating habits were somewhat wasteful, its euphoric tree scratchings more than made up for it.

When you have to run for the bus.

Cocaine Bear is not free of flaws; while its writer’s limited CV shows in the script, the distracting comedic talent both in front of and behind the camera bolster the end result. If the story feels a bit disjointed and aimless in parts, this is hardly the scenario where it matters too much. That the film features Isiah Whitlock Jr. but not a single shot of him holding up two kilos of product and saying “shiiiieeeeetttt” is a glaring missed opportunity; nevertheless, he does get to have fun with his dialogue and reach his detective character quota. 

For its tight hour and thirty minutes, Cocaine Bear engaged me fully while serving as a cautionary tale of the dangers of drugs, and of partaking in outdoor activity. No matter, as I hate camping and I’m told Perth has terrible coke anyway. Instead, I’ll go on believing that bears are adorable babies who only want a hug. Next on the watchlist: Grizzly Man.

Verdict:

Laura ☆☆☆½

Alex ☆☆☆

Cocaine Bear is in cinemas now and for a themed treat, ask for a CoCo Bear Choc bomb at Luna Leederville.